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Don't Take a Child to the Races
(A humorous skit from a series called "Brief Encounters")
By Hal Wickliffe
Copyright 2000 Hal Wickliffe
A skit about misunderstandings between Al and his grandson Junior at the races.

Al Beasely, a longtime lover of horse racing, decides to take his grandson, Junior, to his first horse race at nearby Saratoga. Al thought the seven-year-old would enjoy the beauty of these lovely animals plus the excitement of live horse racing.
Al, though, is rather short-tempered. As such, it doesn't often blend with Junior's confused but quizzical mind, which can drive Al up the wall.
Right now, Al and Junior have just sat down in their seats in the grandstand as the first race is minutes away. However, it had been raining earlier and the track is quite wet, which favors those horses that are known as mudders because they can run well even on a muddy track. And in the first race, there happens to be a mudder named Something Else. Grandpa Al and Junior.
AL: Junior, keep your eyes on number three at the starting gate. He's Something Else.
JUNIOR: I thought he was a horse.
AL: He is a horse.
JUNIOR: You said he's somethin' else.
AL: That's right.
JUNIOR: What's right?
AL: That he's a horse.
JUNIOR: But if he's somethin' else, how can he be a horse?
AL: Of course he's a horse!
JUNIOR: Not if he's somethin' else.
AL: Believe me, he's a genuine horse.
JUNIOR: Maybe he's part donkey.
AL: He is not part donkey.
JUNIOR: What about part mule?
AL: He is not part mule!
JUNIOR: I wanna go home!
AL: We are not goin' home!Now just sit still and be quiet!
JUNIOR: But you got me all confused.
AL: Look, Junior, when I say Something Else, I am merely talkin' about his name.
JUNIOR: What name?
AL: I just told you.
JUNIOR: You did not
AL: I did so
JUNIOR: All you said it was somethin' else.
AL: That's right.
JUNIOR: What's right?
AL: The horse's name.
JUNIOR: That's what I wanna know.
AL: And that's what I keep tellin' you!
JUNIOR: I wanna go home.
AL: We are not goin' home! Look, Junior, it's all very simple. Let me explain. The name of the horse is Something Else. His owner calls him Something Else. His trainer calls him Something Else.
JUNIOR: What about his uncles?
AL: He doesn't have uncles!
JUNIOR: Then what about his aunts?
AL: Horses don't have aunts or uncles!
JUNIOR: They must lead lonely lives.
AL: Oh, will you please keep quiet. You're drivin' me crazy. Let's just concentrate on the first race. And for your information, I made a friendly bet on Something Else. He’s a mudder
JUNIOR: A mudder?
AL: That's right
JUNIOR: I don't understand
AL: What don't you understand?
JUNIOR: How can he be a mudder If he's a he?
AL: That has nothin' to with it!
JUNIOR: But only a she can be a mudder.
AL: Nonsense
JUNIOR: It's against human nature.
AL: What has human nature got to do with it?
JUNIOR: Plenty. It's against human nature for a he to be a mudder.
AL: Of course a he can be a mudder!
JUNIOR: Not on my block.
AL: Your block doesn't have a mudder!
JUNIOR: It does too! The whole block is full of mudders!
AL: Oh, will you shut up! The race is about to begin!
JUNIOR: I wanna go home!
AL: You're not goin' home!
JUNIOR: I wanna go home and show you some mudders!